Stay at Home Moms vs Working Moms (why we need to stop the mommy wars)

I stumbled upon a Facebook post of mine from a few years ago when I was a full-time working mom and my baby girl was just about to turn 2 years old.

I wanted to share it with you today. I think it's something we can all relate to no matter which "category" we fall into:

"SOME DAYS, A MOM JUST NEEDS AN EXTRA PAT ON THE BACK AND "WAY TO GO". TODAY IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS FOR ME-I'M STRUGGLING TO BE A WORKING MOM. I OFTENTIMES FEEL SO GUILTY HAVING MY KIDS IN DAYCARE DURING THE DAY WHEN I WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO BE WITH MY BABIES BEFORE THEY ARE GROWN. I FEEL I'M NOT DOING MY DUTY AS A MOM IN DOING SO. I REALLY LONG TO GO BACK TO BEING A STAY AT HOME MOM. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME THAT I CAN FIND THE OPPORTUNITY MY FAMILY NEEDS TO MAKE THIS A POSSIBILITY ONCE AGAIN…OR THE STRENGTH TO REALIZE I'M WHERE GOD NEEDS ME TO BE…"

Looking back at this, the pain I felt still seems so real to me. I remember writing that post with tears pouring down my eyes. I remember feeling like such a failure for "pawning off my kids" so I could go back to work. We had just built a house and I felt so pressured to work to help pay for it.

Now, I can see that wasn't the case at all.

I wasn't being a bad mom by putting my kids in daycare.

I was giving them the opportunity to be around other kids. To play. To learn. The provider I had did a great job of including teaching with their play time. They were in good hands while I was away. I have no doubt that they were safe, taken care of and loved.

In fact, even though I was exhausted after working a full day, sometimes I feel like I was  a better mom when I was working. I had that break I needed from "being a mom" while I was at work. I missed them while I was away and I think that was a good thing because I appreciated them even more when we were reunited each afternoon.

We ended up praying over it for a while and eventually, we decided we would try having me at home with the kids once again. After paying for daycare for 2 kids, my take home money was only a couple hundred bucks a month. It was enough to make a difference. But, to me when I pointed out I was working so that we could have a little extra spending money. We decided that couple hundred bucks wasn't worth the pain it caused my heart and not worth keeping the kids in daycare.

So, I returned to the world of being a stay at home mom. 

I think the whole subject of stay at home moms vs working moms is such a touchy subject. I really don't see why.

We need to stop that battle of "I'm a better mom because I stay home with my kids." No, "I'm a better mom because I work and give my kids exposure to the outside world without coddling them."

We are ALL MOMS. We need to be supportive of each other.

We also need to be mindful of the other moms out there. It's not a competition of whose the better mom. When we see a mom post something like I did that day where I was obviously struggling, we need to reach out to them. Instead of judging them, we need to help.

I shared last week about how sometimes we "mom shame" other moms by what we post on social media. If you missed it, here's a link to that post: My Kids Were Naughty…But, That Doesn’t Make ME a Bad Mom!

I think today's subject stems off of that. If we are truly trying to be supportive friends in particularly to our mom friends, we should be real ourselves and not try to make ourselves look like better moms than we really are (ex. The perfect Instagram pictures vs reality of paint dripping off their faces and cleaning it before the picture).

So, not only should we not be "fake," "Shallow" moms, we should also try to support other moms rather than make them feel bad about or second guess their "job" choice.

Some moms would LOVE to stay home with their kids. But, financially, it's just not an option. That's where I found myself when I was working and it breaks my heart to know I'm not the only mom who fought that battle with myself each day as I had to say goodbye to them.

Some moms just simply prefer to be at work. This does not make them a "bad mom." We all have different needs. There are more reasons to have a job besides the money. You can gain self-confidence by working. Adult friendships can be found in the work place as well. Some people thrive off of that adult interaction where others are just fine talking with their kiddos during the day.

Some moms have to stay home. I feel partially in that category myself. I've toyed around with the idea of going back to work soon. But, with 2 kids (1 in school full time and one about 5 hours a week) and a husband that deploys and is also gone so much at work, I just couldn't physically do all I need to do for them if I was working. (I don't know how you amazing single mommas do it-you are incredible!) I parent by myself 90% of the time and it's tough.

Some moms choose to stay home. Staying at home and being with their kids all day is what builds them up. I'm partially in this category too. I LOVE being home with my kids. It's definitely not easy work. But, I find it very rewarding.

Being a mom is a tough job no matter if we stay at home with our kids or if we work outside of the home.

There are different stereotypes of each. But, that's all they are-stereotypes. 

There is so much variety in life and mothering styles is no exception.

I wrote this blog today to hopefully encourage anyone who is in that place I was in that day.

Let this be your "pat on the back" and "way to go" that I longed for so badly that day. Friend, you are an amazing momma. Your kids can look up to you in so many ways. Make the most of your time with them when you get home and embrace it!

You might also enjoy this post of mine: MOM: More Than Just a Title

I want to end this with a poem by an amazing woman from Proverbs 31 Ministry She is also part of Girlfriends in God which is a free online devotional you can sign up for to get  sent right to your email each day. If you are looking for encouragement, I highly recommend it!

Hat’s Off to Moms
by Sharon Jaynes

"I’m just a mom.”
I overheard her say,
With eyes downcast
And a look of dismay.

I turned with a start
And enthusiastically decreed,
“A mom, did you say?
Oh can it be?

For a mom is a BEACON
Shining so bright,
A landmark by day,
And a light by night.

She guides and protect
On land and at sea.
Did you say a mom?
Oh, can it be?

She LISTENS to stories
Woes and concerns,
With her eyes and her heart,
She quickly discerns.

Questions she asks,
To draw children out.
Building godly ones,
Is what she’s about.

She gives the gift,
Of ENCOURAGING words,
Courage and strength
Their souls she girds.

She cheers them up,
When they are down,
And turns sad days,
Completely around.

She says, ‘You can do it!
I know that you can!’
And develops a boy,
Into a man.

She BUILDS SELF-ESTEEM
Into young hearts
Jesus’ Christ’s power,
She thus imparts.

“Who am I?”
She hears them say.
“You are God’s child,
Loved–come what may.”

Foundations of love,
Walls capable and strong,
Valued-adored,
They know they belong.

She SOWS SEEDS of scripture,
Day after day,
And sows seeds of prayer,
That help point the way.

She guards information
That goes in their heads
And whispers a prayer
As they’re tucked into beds.

She sets an EXAMPLE
Of how they should live,
Of how our Father
Can quickly forgive.

Love, joy and peace,
Is what they see,
Knowing the example she sets,
Is what they will be.

She NEVER GIVES UP,
When life get tough
And doesn’t give in,
When kids get rough.

A warrior, a fighter,
She diligently prays,
And then at God’s feet,
Her children she lays.

‘Just a mom,’ you say?
What an honor bestowed,
A beacon, a builder,
A seed sower sown.

A listener, encourager,
Diligent, too.
A mom, how bless-ed.
My hats off to you!”

I finished my sermon,
Not making a scene,
And transformed before me,
She looked like a queen.

Her eyes now beaming,
She sat tall and erect.
“Excuse me, sir,
I spoke incorrect.”

God gave me a job,
That compares to none other,
Esteem and chosen by Him,
You see – I’m a mother.
________

With Aloha,

Lacy

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