When Someone Is Missing at the Table

The Holiday’s.

The most magical time of year…for most. For some, it stirs up bittersweet memories of loved ones no longer here to celebrate with us. It can be a difficult time to navigate.

Our family lost my father-in-law to cancer several years ago, and Thanksgiving in Texas at my husbands’ family home has never felt quite the same since. You can read about my feelings during that time here: Loss: A Tribute to My Father In Law

Thanksgiving Day is a little quieter, a little emptier without him. He wasn’t the loudest in the room or the one carving the turkey, but his gentle presence—usually with golf playing on the TV—brought a sense of calm that made the holiday feel complete.

We don’t live near my in-laws, so I don’t feel this absence every day—but when it does hit, it hits hard. What really gets me is seeing my husband, who rarely shares his emotions, and wondering what’s going on in his heart. How is he carrying this? How is he finding his way through the grief?

It takes me back to when we heard of his dad’s passing.

My husband was currently deployed on a submarine which left us with not much access to communication. Trying to contact him through Am Cross and making funeral arrangements with his mom while obeying OPSEC was difficult.

I remember feeling this huge ache in my heart that I couldn’t be there for my husband when he heard the news. He would be alone…in the middle of the ocean…feeling this grief. I remember thinking he would want to wear his Navy Dress Blues for the funeral and thinking if I brought them with me from Hawaii to Texas, that would be my way of supporting him. I gathered up my fellow “Boat Wives” and they helped me put together the service medals he would need to make his uniform compliant. We couldn’t find everything but we did our best. All of this only to find out my husband had packed them himself before he left for deployment in anticipation of his dad’s passing.

I think that was one of the hardest feelings I’ve ever experienced. Even now, years later, it still brings me to tears as I type this thinking about it. I picture him packing his sea bag before deployment, carrying all those emotions silently, while I was probably downstairs trying to wrangle our wild kids—completely unaware of the weight he was holding.

And that same ache comes back around the holidays. Watching my husband navigate the loss of his dad—quietly, in his own way—makes my father in laws absence at the Thanksgiving table feel even heavier. It’s a reminder that we’re all missing him. Each of us feeling that empty space in a different way, especially this time of year.

Today, we are sitting at the table eating “our” traditional Thanksgiving dinner of Ponsett and bacon fried rice (a tradition from when they were stationed in the Phillipines when my husband was a kid) we’re missing him, remembering his steady spirit, and grateful for the time we were blessed to have had with him. As we gather around the table, his absence is felt in every familiar tradition, yet his love and influence are woven into all of it. We hold his memory close, thankful for the years we shared, and we honor him by cherishing one another just a little deeper today.

With Love and Aloha,

Lacy

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