When Holding On Means Stepping Back: Staying Close to Your Teen

I didn’t realize one of the hardest parts of motherhood ISN’T the sleepless nights-it would be the slow process of letting go.

Before I went back to work recently, I was a stay at home mom for a majority of my kids’ lives. I spent so many years giving ALL of me to them. Now they are both teens and I find myself in that odd stage where they need me less and less. Why does it leave me feeling like I need them MORE?

It really struck me now that my oldest is 16. He had plans to meet a buddy for dinner. I grabbed my keys and said, “alright, let’s go!” He looked at me strangely and said, “mom, I can drive myself, right?”

Ugh.

It hit me…he didn’t need me to drive him!

Once I put the pieces of my heart back together, I smiled and said, “oh, yeah-of course! Have fun!”

I may or may not have watched his car leave the driveway and proceed down the road. Imagine one of those overly dramatic scenes when someone is staring out the window depressed.

Extra points if it’s raining!

It doesn’t feel that long ago that I painted his Cozy Coupe Black and stuck a yellow Batman decal on the sides to be the Batmobile. The furthest he drove was the edge of the driveway. Now, he’s heading off into the night like an actual Batman…way past the edge of the driveway.

I shifted from being his WORLD to being his back up plan…and it hurt.

As my kids have grown into their teen years, I’ve come to a few important realizations:

Letting go feels like loss — even when it’s healthy.

Independence can feel like rejection.

I can be proud and heartbroken at the same time.

I also realized that night that the process of letting go has already started and I needed to prepare both my heart and his. I know he feels ready but, I still find him giving me a random hug here and there and it reminds me…this is new territory for him too.

Letting go doesn’t mean:

• Stopping guidance
• Ignoring red flags
• Being uninvolved

Instead, it means:

• Moving from manager to mentor
• Controlling to coaching
• Talking at them to listening to them

That shift is powerful.

Teens shut down when they feel judged. And, at that age, they are being judged constantly by their peers. The last thing they need is to feel judged by mom too. I’m trying to focus more on being the mentor and listening more than giving advice. Sometimes they just need someone to listen-not always try to fix things for them. That’s extremely hard because as moms, we want to fix every boo-boo and scrape and pull the hair of whoever was teasing our kids about their glasses or mistakes. I stay engaged, ask questions and let them lead the conversation.

I’m building a connection with them in different ways.

This has been a big shift for me as well. When they were younger, we lived in Hawaii and much of our daily actives were being active and spending time outside as a family. It’s taken me some time to adjust to less of that and more time playing video games…yes. Video games. ugh. The thing I’m constantly nagging about, I’ve joined them on. The best moment so far has been playing Rocket League. In this game, you are cars playing soccer. I was in the practice round (with no opponents). Just a straight shot at kicking the ball into the net. I was really feeling it and a bit overly confident. I thought to myself, “this is the moment I’m going to impress these kids and they are going to think I’m the coolest mom!” I mean-I DID defeat Bowser in Super Mario Bros back in the day. How hard can this be? Well, needless to say, I lined up, was ready to kick and completely jumped OVER the ball. I completely humiliated myself! But, we all got a good kick out of it and it gets mentioned every single time I sit down to play a game with them. It starts out, “as long as we don’t play Rocket League.” haha. Recently, my ego couldn’t handle any more failures and we’ve been watching the Hunger Games series. I love how my son will explain things as it goes because he knows I’m probably not following it well. #mombrain lol

I try to plan occasional “mom dates” with my kids. The last one happened almost by accident — I worked late and the timing lined up perfectly with my “Little” Man finishing football weightlifting. So I called and asked him to meet me for dinner. It still surprises me to see him driving, especially when he pulled into the spot next to mine and gave me that goofy wave. Just today, my Ladybug and I tried out a new Chinese Buffet. The highlight was when we loaded a plate with all of the deserts and sampled each of them. It was simple and so much fun. I cherish those moments. No phones. No friends. No distractions. Just the two of us. Somehow we end up talking about things that might never come up if we didn’t intentionally make space for them.

It’s important to remember, letting go isn’t a one time decision.

It’s daily.

I know I will:

• Overstep sometimes.
• Say too much.
• Worry too much.
• Miss the little version of them.

And that’s okay.

I’m learning that letting go isn’t about stepping away.
It’s about stepping back just enough so they can step forward —
and trusting that the connection we built will stretch, not break.

So, as they say in Hunger Games:

With Love and Aloha,

Lacy

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