Family/Motherhood/Military Life

Beyond the Surface: Looking Deeply into Myself

I'm part of Post A Day 2016

 Do you ever just look in the mirror and think about how much you have changed over time?


I’m not just meaning physically. Sure, no matter how much Rodan & Fields anti-aging creams I use, I still am going to see the signs of aging. My weight is going to fluctuate. Things are going to start to sag. That’s just life!

But, what I mean, is REALLY look at yourself. Look past the physical and look beyond the surface. Go deeper into the person you are.

How have you changed?

I used to be a young girl who struggled with body image. I was very insecure. I was already skinny and had pretty blonde hair. But, part of me still craved more. I always thought I could be better but not in a healthy way. Maybe if I was skinner or dressed a certain way or wore certain name brands, I’d get more attention. I would stand out more.  I tried and tried. But, never succeeded. You can read more about this struggle here: Teaching Her to Love Her Body

Then, college came. I became popular. I partied a lot and had so many friends. Just what I had always wanted in high school. Or, so I thought. When I got this lifestyle, I found myself so torn between that and my faith. I crossed the line so many times and to this day, I cringe at some of my decisions. I had “everything” but yet, I still felt myself wanting more.

Then, I met my husband. Even in our early years of marriage, I remember feeling I wasn’t good enough. That, maybe he was more attracted to the skinny girls on TV. Maybe, he wished I was something different even.

About a year after we got married, we had our first child. With this change, came the best change in me. Along with the changed body: stretch marks, saggy chest from nursing, wider hips from pregnancy etc. came a person who was actually MORE CONFIDENT in myself than I had ever been.

How can that be?

How could I have changed so much? I went from being an insecure person with so much of my life focused on appearance and body image to a totally changed perspective to where I love myself, stretch marks and all?

How can I be so much more content when my body is the worst it’s ever looked?

To think, I wasted ALL OF THOSE YEARS focused on trying to make myself skinny and looking “good.” By focusing so much on my outer appearance I lost site of the person behind that body I was striving to get and those friendships I longed for.

Once I had my kids, my life was no longer all about me. I now had 2 tiny humans that depended on me for EVERYTHING! 2 tiny humans who loved me no matter how I looked. 2 tiny humans who could see the REAL ME and loved me anyway.

They changed me for the better.

I find myself now content with spending time alone. I no-longer need to have my calendar filled with social events (it’s full enough with just basketball practices and hikes!) Where I used to live and die for Thursday night partying at The Depot club, I now just crave that alone time. I have grown into someone who doesn’t need that constant attention from others to feel good about myself like I used to. I have changed into someone who can be happy just in knowing that I am God’s child. I am my kids’ mom. I am ME and that is who I am supposed to be! When I do spend time with friends now, I feel there is so much more substance to it. We can have conversations. We can be real with each other. Where I used to have sooooooo many friends but no CLOSE friends, I now have a handful of close friends and it means so much more to me. They love the real me…not the me I was trying so hard to become.

So, as I look at myself in front of the mirror tonight, I’m looking deeper. I’m looking past the facade and seeing me. And, you know what? I’m realizing it’s no longer a facade.

What you see is what you get. I have become real. I have become confident and the type of person who can be myself. By not focusing on my outer appearance, I have much more time and energy to focus on what’s really important: inside me. I can become a better person. I can now relax and just enjoy life without having to try to fit in and be someone I’m not.

I thank my kids for this change. But, most importantly, I thank God. He never let go of me even in those moments where I crossed that line and made some questionable decisions. No matter how soiled I made my life, He didn’t give up on me!

When I was ready, He was there waiting for me with arms wide open.

Like a child learning to ride a bicycle,-2

Eventually, I learned what it took to keep steady. It is with His strength that I can walk in confidence as I do today. It is because of his non-judgmental love that I am finally ME.

Beyond the.png

With Aloha,


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25 thoughts on “Beyond the Surface: Looking Deeply into Myself

    1. Yes! I find myself thinking that often. Even as far back as my kids’ ages. My 4 year old cries about EVERYTHING! I try to be caring to her needs in that moment but at the same time I can’t help but think how trivial it really is (in my eyes). I know I was the same way. I could’ve saved myself so much sadness if I knew what I knew now!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Very very beautiful post, I loved every line, every word. Many of us can relate to this so well. We struggle and make effort to be accepted based on our physical appearances. Forgetting that true beauty comes from the inside.
    I used to be a very shy withdrawn, timid person, with no self confidence to talk, make friends or socialise. I had only one friend and was alone 80% of the time. I could only maintain one friend at a time. But, over the years I have grown through God’s love reaching out to me and drawing me out of my comfort shell. I have grown so much that I can stand in front of a crowd and not be afraid to say my mind. I know the boldness and self-confidence can only be through God working out His image in me. 🌺🌺

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for this post. Oftentimes I would look in the mirror and I would compare myself to others and try to be someone I’m not in order to get attention. But now, I am starting to understand that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in God’s image.

    Pastor DeWayne Freeman said in a sermon at my church, “There will never be another person like you.”

    I like several of the statements in your post:

    1). So, as I look at myself in front of the mirror tonight, I’m looking deeper. I’m looking past the facade and seeing me. And, you know what? I’m realizing it’s no longer a facade.

    2). By not focusing on my outer appearance, I have much more time and energy to focus on what’s really important: inside me. I can become a better person. I can now relax and just enjoy life without having to try to fit in and be someone I’m not.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This comment means so much to me! I am so glad it spoke to you. I like your pastors quote. There really IS only one person like us! I’m learning to embrace uniqueness and find the beauty in it! Thanks for reading. And, thank you so much for your comment!


      1. Your Welcome.

        God wants us to be our own person and not look at the flaws that make up who we are.

        The only person that we should see in the mirror is the image of us fulfilling God’s plan for our life with Jesus at our side.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That is so well said! It’s easy to focus on our flaws when we live in a world surrounded by people doing that. We as christians need to stand out as being secure in who we are because of Him!


      3. You’re Welcome.

        God wants us to be our own person and not try to be like everybody else. He wants us to not worry about the flaws that make up who we are in Him.

        The only person you should be seeing in the mirror is the person God has called you to be and nothing else. We should be looking in the mirror and seeing the not only the person we are meant to be, but Jesus standing there on our right side.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Love this! As a new mom I feel very connected to this message. I used to wish I had many friends and events to go to, but now I am most content sitting next to my husband at home and caring for our son. I no longer feel the need to have the approval of others,and just smile when they try to push their opinions on what’s popular on me. With body image, I am much more focused on eating to be healthy and not just skinny. I love my body more now that i have a baby than ever before. Who ever thought stretch marks would make a woman happier? Lol!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Finding contentment on being alone is great thing. People often finds this challenging but I beg to disagree. We need time to be alone, to look into ourselves and to think.

    I make it a point to have some “me time” every now and then

    I enjoyed reading this. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s great! I’ve come to really value and appreciate my alone time more than I ever thought I would! I use this time to just enjoy the silence. To let my mind take a break from being “mom” and “wife” etc. I’m that moment, I can just be me and focus on myself!
      Thank you so much for reading and commenting! Aloha! 🌺

      Liked by 1 person

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